Why can I never find what I'm looking for?

So, when I was making plans to have an insem, I went looking for the lubricant I bought a few months back that is apparently having good reviews for helping and end up spending 2 hours looking for it.  Could not find it at all even though I remember having seen it just last month.  Finally gave up and decided just to do without for now.  Although, with my luck, I will find it a week after I no longer need it.

Then I go and decide that I want to add an app to my new smartphone to help me keep track of things.  I already have a menstrual tracker but I wanted something more in depth for trying to conceive.  So I went looking for the site I used last year that I loved because it was helpful and easy to use, to check and see if they have a corresponding app... can not find it anywhere.  I know that I bookmarked the page.  I know that it has pregnancy in the address but past that... I can't remember and now I can't find it.  I am going to feel really stupid when I finally remember the very easy to remember web address for it.  This is what I get for ignoring the site because I was depressed about having to put things on hold.  Now I'm stuck with another site that isn't as easy to use and is driving me crazy.  Grr...  I will now go and obsessively looking for this site until I find it. 

I finally give up on the above and start reading other ttc related articles.  I come across a random article about soy foods causing miscarrage.  What????  How did I miss that last year?  I drank alot of soy milk last year while trying (and am 90% positive that I had at least one chemical pregnancy) and now I'm wondering if that caused an issue.  One site claims soy products cause various health issues but then alot of other sites say soy products are good...  Grr..  Now I have another thing to research and obsess over.  No more soy milk for me for awhile just in case.

In other random tidbits, a couple of months ago, I confessed to the step mother that I had looked into adoption and SMC to have a child.  I don't know why I did it.  I knew before I said anything that she wasn't going to be supportive.  And she wasn't.  She basically told me she was glad I had stopped cause she didn't think I would make a good parent.  Ummm...  she sees me once a year on a holiday.  How would she even know whether or not I would make a good mother?  Everyone else I know (and see on a much regular basis) believes I'll be a good mother and ask me all the time when I'm going to find a guy and have kids.  I will admit though, that for the longest I didn't want to have kids because I thought I might be like her as a parent. 

Rereading my last post made me cringe a little from how insensitive I was towards a coworker.  I don't have a problem coming in on my vacation to help out and offered to do so before I made the last minute decision to go ahead and try this month.  When I typed that up I was just frustrated because it brought back issues from last year where I believe several cycles were just wasted because of scheduling conflicts or last minute things happening.  I wish I could give good news about the coworkers mother but truthfully, her mother is in her nineties, her heart is working at 20%, she has severe blockages in both legs which can't be operated on because her heart isn't strong enough, she has fluid around her lungs, can't walk, and has been hallucinating for the last week and is in constant pain.   Honestly, no one expects her to live much longer and it is something we've been expecting for a few months.  Unfortunately, I let me inner selfish brat out to rant and now I feel guilty since it's not like anyone at work knows that I'm ttc so can't be expected to consider my schedule. 

I either talk too much or disappear for months at a time.  I really need to learn to balance.  Sorry for the long ramble.

Marielle